Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. George ignored her and walked away. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. We have the best football jokes kids would love. A talking clock? Looking at my face is like reading in the car. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Weeks? To get to the other side. I can only please one person a day. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. Spell elephant,' the older one said. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. Treating those tender spotsyour own and your partnerswith reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. ! Doctor: Nine.. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. I couldn't believe the . A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Its easy, replies the ranger. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! In the piano! So now I got me a wooden peg., When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. Marie Faustin, comedian. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. My life is a mess, he says. Between you and me, something smells. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. 14. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Never again. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. Theres a smartass quote for that. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. She seemed surprised. Ever wondered how why did the chicken cross the road became a thing? Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. Finally, he hollers, Hey! A man tells his doctor, Help me. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? You keep out of this! she yells. We missed the R! Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. You're the reason God created the middle finger. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. The boy screams. I said 40. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. You do you! Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Press J to jump to the feed. But it was me first day with the hook.. I wanna see my real parents! Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! Five, six, maybe seven times. We may not have grown up to bend it like Beckham, but we did have fun playing this game of fancy footwork, stamina, and collaboration. You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. | If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Whats E.T. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. What do you call a fake noodle? Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. 1. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Now hes the village blacksmith. Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! Mr. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Then, it hit me. Toughest job I ever had? Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Thats just how I roll. Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? My father-in-law calmly shook his head. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. When Im done, poof! A: A steeping bag. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? Hes only got little legs. Should be fun, but it costs $500. It will be a low key funeral. Reddit.com. . Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. Dont go through life unprepared! Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. So I had to put my foot down. .s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);padding-top:5px}.s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f._19JhaP1slDQqu2XgT3vVS0{color:#ea0027} Men are like Blackberries. It can be a potent form of flirtation and seduction. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Ugh! the student groaned. Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} 17. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Thats Mums side.. Student: A drinking problem. Yes, I said, but I really dont need it., Without missing a beat, she replied, We dont sell things that people need. Joe Caputo. Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. Im actually not funny. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Me: Yes. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. 78. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Crime in multi-storey car parks. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant? I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Its torturous. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. A carrot. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. $10 fine. Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! The landlady answers. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. Could fuck up a two car funeral. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. Friend making bad life choices? BEWARE OF DOG! Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. The apprentice did just as he was told. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. I cant stand this. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Why did the chicken go to the sance? These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Whats a Queen without her King? From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. A man is struggling to find a parking space. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. So I gave him all the money I had. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. You have 30 more years to live.. A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. You call me a bitch. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. He fought with me again! Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. Thats my twin sister. Submitted by Andre Batista. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. What's a cat's favorite dessert? 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Is that the dog were supposed to be aware of? he asks the owner. The light goes on. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Local man killed by falling piano. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. One said: Oo, oo, aah. The other replied:Put some cold in then. Harry Hill, My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesnt!, You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? Tempting fate, I tried it on. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. Your mileage may vary. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips All rights reserved. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Eight dollars, I answered. Shes been here six months. Just received a card full of rice. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. But hay its in my jeans. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. Sorry, Im not Adele. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. Aye matey.. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. God says, No. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down.
Nema Boston Apartments Racist,
Haplogroup G Origin,
Banksy Behind The Curtain Canvas,
Articles Y